What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:00
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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I was seconnd youngest,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She married twice! .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Ive learnt so much.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
How can I be okay with being ugly? What is the bright side?
My family never makes their pension either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She found it foreign!.
I will be 64.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I write beautiful poetry .
Comes on , in middle age.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why did i forgive my father ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
When she asked me how she looked .
This is soul school!.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I said to her
I was scared of men, in general
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I waited trembling.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He knew the spot.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So, i spoilt her more .
It was going to be , some day.
I don,t even have a pension.
My life is so biszare .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was 9 years of age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was in good health!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What did i know ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We all went to grammer schools
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Would this be the day?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im still living with it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I have no regrets .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So whats the point in blame.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i lived it daily.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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I think the readers, may guess!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We were not on the streets..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.