What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 01:48
I could never make a relationship work though!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is soul school!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
How do I seduce a maid for sex?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
How can I remove decimals in math?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I waited trembling.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why does it itch on my vulva, uterus, and sides of my vagina, but it doesn't itch inside the vagina?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I think the readers, may guess!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What did i know ?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i do to all so called friends.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Comes on , in middle age.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was in good health!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But it wasn’t much.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot live in the past .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She found it foreign!.
All the time i was locked up.
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I said to her
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Would this be the day?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My life is so biszare .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ive learnt so much.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was scared of men, in general
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So, i spoilt her more .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My family never makes their pension either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i lived it daily.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im still living with it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
When she asked me how she looked .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It was going to be , some day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But, we were locked up after school.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I couldn’t, believe it.
So whats the point in blame.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was seconnd youngest,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was very sick at this time too.
We were not on the streets..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Put me off passion for life!!
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But ive been too sick for many years..
I have no regrets .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Who then, do I blame.?
He knew the spot.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She married twice! .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She loved him until the end.